Society For Banter Reform

Retirement Age vs The Irish Economy

Imagine a policy that if passed could solve the economic crisis and give us all a nice early retirement package. Too good to be true? I think not. Let me elaborate

There are approximately 400,000 people currently in the Irish workforce over the ripe age of 50. If we paid each one of these €1 million each severance for early retirement we could sort out this State of Misery. How you say? It stems from the idea that you have to put money into something to get money in return.

There are a couple of stipulations;

1) They MUST retire. That would make way for 400 thousand job openings - unemployment fixed


2) They MUST buy a new car. That is 400 thousand cars ordered - Car Industry fixed

3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - Housing Crisis fixed

4) They MUST send their kids to school/college/university - Crime rate fixed

5) They MUST buy €100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week ….. And there is all your money back in duty/tax

It can’t get any easier than that!

If more money is needed and no doubt there will be, have all members of the Dail pay back
their falsely claimed expenses.

There you have it. Less than 250 words and then country has been saved. Banter almost restored

Fixing the Initial Cock-Up

The Penal System vs Dealing with the Elderly…

To get banter equilibrium back we need to make people feel safe. So myself and an anonymous contributor have set forth a plan. A plan that if put into force will make you feel comfortable enough to leave your bag on the seat in the pub when you pee, a plan that should you momentarily leave your iphone down on the bar, counter or viking splash bus seat (see Article 2-transport)  that you can be rest assured it won’t be nicked. This plan will also solve the issue of the uncared for elderly, a hurdle that the government seem to fall over consistently. At least they are consistent at something. Any Day day now lads!

The proposal is to put our lovely older generation in jail and our criminals in a nursing home. Now before you call me mental,  sick, sadistic or whatever other words come to mind have a read. There are some pretty valid points.

• This way the old folk would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.
• They’d receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they’d receive money instead of paying it out.

• They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.

• Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.

• A guard to check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and

           snacks to their cell.

• Family visits in a suite built for that purpose with the mod cons.

• Access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselling, pool and education.

• Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ’s and legal aid would be free, on request should the need compensation for any falls and bone breakages in previous nursing home care

• Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens.

• Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls.

• There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.

The criminals (murderers, druglords, bankers squanders etc etc)

• would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised…

• Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. Live in a tiny room

• pay €600 per week and have no hope of ever getting out.

I appreciate the plan needs to be tweaked as we can’t have old dears roaming around “The Joy” with big heavy metal doors and flooring that consists only of metal chicken wire. This is merely to get the ball rolling. Aesthetics are only minor. Old folk need banter too. It is more a reversal of the care systems in Nursing Homes and Prisons, perhaps there was a mix up in the governments original message? Who knows!

Alas, Where does the banter lie in this for us you say? Well we feel good about ourselves knowing our elderly loved ones are safe, happy and cared for and we can enjoy our pints in the local without having to look over our shoulder for Gangland assaults and a champagne shower of bankers.

Motion to merge Dublin Bus and the Viking Splash Tours

We all know that banter is contagious. Once it starts it is like a snowball gathering momentum. I believe banter shouldn’t start on the weekend, or at apres work social gatherings, its should start from the moment we set out on our daily journey. So I’ve come to the conclusion that a merging of Dublin Bus and the Viking Splash Tour would be of huge benefit.

Let’s list the benefits:

• Your bus driver is motivated fun and encourages all round singing, waving at and slagging pedestrians.
• You get a Viking Hat…!!!!!!  (that in itself is enough for me)
• It is a sheltered yet open aired vehicle so ailments such as the flu and common cold are avoided as communal snot from sneezing is not incubated in a non conditioned bus.
• The communal Banter of this would encourage people to take public transport, lessening traffic congestion which in turn would raise spirits.

Yes there are some negative points. I will clarify these negatives now and also offer a solution.

• The hangover. As we all know when suffering with a hangover we want to be left alone in our own space, with no “happy” people around. There is nothing worse than “happy” people when you are hanging and miserable. So I suggest that the regular Dublin bus operate the hangover/grumpy service, with the typical dull, rude driver.. Perhaps one on the hour with extra on Friday as Thursday apres work drinks are common.
• Angry bosses and CEO’s probably won’t take this service but the lack of congestion due to more banterous people on the Splash bus will turns those frowns upside down! Less Stress more Success… (Maybe this point is actually a benefit?…but I’ll leave this point here to even it out)
• They look a bit silly. But who cares? We get to take Viking Splash Public Transport.

So that’s my argument. Loads of benefits and totally doable solutions for the negatives. And who says transport issues are hard?! Pfft… I solved this issue over a cuppa and a flake

Motion to officially change The Walk of Shame to The Stride of Pride I would think that formally submitting a proposal to have the “Walk of Shame” abolished and from now on be known as the “Stride of Pride” would be a great justice in the quest for banter reform. The reason being, why is it shameful? I firmly believe the people who call it shameful are merely green eyed monsters, jealous that no loving came their way the night previously. These people are determined to slap that look of happiness, fulfillment and satisfaction off the faces of these individuals. It is wrong. Although I am not accustomed to this particular situation, I know had I been suffering a dry patch in that department, made my way into Coppers one night and managed to get the shift, I would leave the house of my dangerous liaison the next morning fist pumping to Katy Perry’s firework, so delighted at my previous nights conquest. If I was still a little tipsy I would probably even front dive on the lawn mimicking a footballers momentous GOOOOOOAAAAAAAAALLLLL! Ball in the net! I have scored, and all you suckers should know! Ok, That’s probably a little dramatic, I probably would not be that theatrical. I think a rare few can compete with the theatrics of a footballer, but I would hold my head up high and walk down that street.

There are other contributing factors which can make the “stride” seem impossible and only the shameful “walk” can be conjured up. It is something only women suffer. The mini skirt and heals combo. Girls it never looks pretty unless it is dark and is most definitely unattractive in “Walk of Shame” rush hour, which just so happens to coincide with actual morning rush hour. What can be done to rectify this? Leggings in the bag, they fit under any dress and cover the tan streaked legs. Each streak a reminder of how many you actually had the night before. A toothbrush, no matter how horrible you feel, brushing your teeth will make you feel better, smell better and inevitably look better. Yes, You look better with brushed teeth. Removal of the “panda eyes”. One of the biggest tell tale signs. Mascara under the eye, Not pretty. Anywhere. Morning light is the most unfavourable, remember? Girls, these three tips will be your lifesaver, and they are simple. If more girls did this, there is much more of a likelihood of this motion actually coming to pass. Boys, well I don’t really know? Boys always have the stride of pride face after a sexual encounter. I actually think some even fist pump victoriously. I think it’s the hangover head that gives it away in the case of men. What can be done to rectify this? Take some Berocca with you or any form of dissolvable vitamin, rhat will give a freshened up look to the face. Cold water on the eyes to reduce red puffiness, clear eyes will reduce the risk of in depth anti banterous quizzing by roommates, parents, friends etc. Allowing you time to ride through “the Fear” in the safety of your room, alone, in the corner, in the dark, alone. So there we have it, my proposal on how we should no longer hear that dreadful term, no longer shall post coppers encounters be known as shameful. It is a beautiful thing entailing banter for all parties involved. Say is with me! Striding with pride after getting the ride!